Rainy Day Walk

On Monday, I got a bit stressed out about a few things, so I decided to try something new to help calm down. I grabbed the camera, put on a jacket, put my iPod on shuffle and walked out the door. Not really sure where I was going, I wandered. Here's what I got.


This one is my personal favourite. I found this right next to Snow Canyon Middle School, a bottle of Purell lying in the gutter.


Speaks for itself.


This one is my mom's favourite. She says it's "just like life". I dunno...

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So, I've always had this fascination with and passion for photography. I don't know what it is about it that draws me to it, not even enough to try to start explaining. On many occasions I've found myself up late at night, looking at pictures that other people have taken and being so impressed and drawn to the shots. Whenever I'm out with the family and the camera is around, I end up being the one with it. I've decided to make something out of it. So, here are a couple of my favourites.

We are all connected

I've really gained a huge respect for people who take science - namely space and time - and put it in a way that I can understand with my comparatively simple mind. People like Carl Sagan and Neil deGrasse Tyson and even Bill Nye make me feel like I actually can grasp this stuff. Watching videos of these guys, who are so passionate about this stuff, is really amazing, seeing that passion and how excited they get about it all. While watching some videos on YouTube, I ran across this and thought it would be funny... I've listened to it 5 times in the last half-hour or so. It's actually a really beautiful piece of work. The pieces of the videos they took actually make decent lyrics for what it is. Auto-tune's high function was made for this kind of thing, I think. Anyway, take a watch and see for yourself.

What it means

I've been thinking quite a bit lately.  About my life, who I am, what I want to do.  It's interesting to take an outsider's approach to examining yourself; look at yourself as if you're someone else.  I find myself trying to figure out what I'm about this way, trying to discover all the little intricacies about me...  There's a lot.  I'm so in love with my music that it envelopes everything in my life.  In fact as I'm sitting here typing this, I find myself unable to think right unless I've got iTunes playing my favourites: Saosin, Scary Kids Scaring Kids, Circa Survive, Silverstein, Alexisonfire, In:Aviate, The Sound of Animals Fighting...  I can't get a smooth thought without music playing...  Without complex guitar riffs and progressions, creative, non-rudimentary drum patterns, someone I've never met (exception: Dallas Green.  I had a full conversation with him just before AOF's set at Warped Tour) yet I feel like I know them better than myself.  Someone inadvertently putting my very thoughts into words that I can't.  I want to be part of that.  I know I'm not the only person who does this and feels this way.

I want to be that person that people listen to playing and get inspired to do what they love.  I want to be that guy who's constantly on the road, with no bed, making just enough money to pay for gas to the next stop.  I want to smell terrible and have a good excuse.  I want to sit around at gas stations writing new songs cause that's the only free time I have.  I want to be the guy that people see onstage and think, "that sounds just like the recording...  How does that even work?" or, "How do you even think to write something like that?"  I want people to question my ability and feel the need to see it to believe it.  I want to see cities.  I want to meet people, even if I forget their name the very second they tell me.  I want to do things that other musicians don't do, I want to break the stereotype of a stuck-up, jaded jerk that happens to write music people like.  I want to be setting up for a show, and hear someone yell my name.  Then immediately go shake their hand.

It's so hard to put into words what this means to me...  It's more than making music I like.  It's a passion.  It's writing something that other people like.  It's creating something and sharing that creation with other people and having it accepted.

If music was a girl, I'd have married her on my 18th birthday, cause I know without any doubt that's what I want in my life always.

Thinking about what this could become...  It makes every bad thing in my life disappear, if only for a moment.  It makes my life seem like the best life anyone could have, because it's heading in that direction.  It makes me smile.  How can something that makes me feel so good and is healthy for me, be the wrong choice?

In my mind, it can't.

Trying to figure it out...

I've been having some trouble lately...  It always seems like everything that bothers us is so little, but we often fail to take into account how many little things add up.  Maybe you could have five problems, each, on a scale of 1-10, equaling a stress level of two.  No big deal, right?  Some simple math, as my way of being profound, could put it into perspective.  2X5=10.  On that scale, your stress is now to the brim, that magnifies, and I'm speaking from experience, and turns each of those little things into a 10 on it's own.

The reason I bring this up is because my scale of 1-10 just doesn't seem to measure what I'm coping with.  It seems silly, sure, that I'm blogging this instead of making a phone call or something like that, and getting it handled, but I seem to be eons braver when I'm not absolutely positive of who's hearing me out.  It's my simple way of getting it out of my system, and not worrying about stressing anyone else out directly.  I hate knowing that someone is worried about me, or is having anxiety because of me, so the internet somehow feels like a part of me, that isn't quite part of me.

Without too much detail on the matter, I've been extremely stressed about a "current" relationship.  I put current in quotes because it's not really a relationship, but it is.  It's such a high school type of thing and it almost embarrasses me to admit.  I've been dating a girl.  She's magnificent to say the least; understanding, very much the same as me, believes a lot of the same things that I do...  All the good stuff.  It's really been too good to be true, and I never use that phrase; I believe everyone, including myself, deserves the best and that they can have it.  We never fought, never disagreed...  Hell, we even like the same music.  A trip to visit her family for a week turned into a few weeks, to however long, and now it's been almost two months.  I've kept myself content with the thought that it was worth it.  It may get tough, we may drift, but it's worth the wait.  Well, some events took place that, in all honesty, hurt me very deeply.  I'm still feeling it just as much as the day I found out.  The thing about me, is I'm a very forgiving person.  I'm good at letting things roll off my back, I believe very deeply in second chances.  A good friend put it best when she said I, "see the best in people."  That's where the conflict occurs.  I want to forgive and get the incident in the past, but I'm a child of culture.  The things that happened are things that I've been programmed to believe are unforgivable, and I should only expect more of the same.  I don't want to let myself be walked on, but I want to forgive so bad.  I just can't see how to take it other than a complete disregard for our relationship, and worst of all me.  Did she ever care?  If so, than I can't see how it could have happened. 

If I continue explaining this, I'll be up all night, but I think the message has been gotten.

To add to the confusion there, an old interest of mine has lately become a very prominent part of my life.  And not being tied down just makes me wonder, "what if?" which leads to other thoughts and feelings as I'm sure everyone knows.

I can't find a job.  I know I'm not alone in this, but it's still incredibly taxing.  I have no money to spend other that the change I find lying around.  No car, which really isn't so bad in SLC but being here in STG is really reminding me of a past I fight every day not to remember...  Don't get me wrong, I love being here and seeing people, but I'm realizing why I wanted to leave so bad in the first place.  I don't really have a place to sleep.  Of course I have people that would never allow me to sleep on the street, but everyone needs a place they don't feel like they're making someone else's life uncomfortable.  Which is another thing that is bothersome.  I've always felt like I'm forcing people to walk on eggshells while I'm around.  Even if I know that I'm not, I can't stop my mind from thinking like that.  It's probably unhealthy.

I'm really trying to find my way in this world, and I'm learning it isn't easy to do it alone.  Only problem with that is nobody can really avoid going it alone.  Sometimes you just have to do things for yourself, but I'm so grateful that I have good friends and a loving family that I know I can turn to when things are a bit too heavy to carry.  That has taught me a great deal as well.  I never let someone be alone.  Even if I don't quite agree with them, I realize, maybe more than most, that everyone needs a friend, and I'll jump up and down in celebration if someone simply turns to me for help.

No matter how high above ten my stress-level is, I know, if I die tonight, at least I'll die happy.  Because I know I'm not alone in this world, and I know I'm doing the best that I can do.

Finally Starting This

I talked to my good friend Ben the other day, and he told me I should blog.  That means I'll get at least one reader, which is plenty for me!

So, I'm just gonna put my thoughts and things I like up here, and while I'm on tour with the band, I'll update with detail every day.  Some people may find it interesting seeing what the life of a traveling musician is like.

Right now, I'm in St. George visiting family and friends, taking a sort of mental health holiday after some stress hit me pretty hard, and writing new material for ACU.  I already miss SLC, but it is so nice being here.  Rekindling friendships and running into people I never allowed myself to lose contact with is definitely worth having some trials and needing to take a month-long break. 

I'm gonna start working on snazzing up this blog a bit so it's not so plain...