I've been having some trouble lately... It always seems like everything that bothers us is so little, but we often fail to take into account how many little things add up. Maybe you could have five problems, each, on a scale of 1-10, equaling a stress level of two. No big deal, right? Some simple math, as my way of being profound, could put it into perspective. 2X5=10. On that scale, your stress is now to the brim, that magnifies, and I'm speaking from experience, and turns each of those little things into a 10 on it's own.
The reason I bring this up is because my scale of 1-10 just doesn't seem to measure what I'm coping with. It seems silly, sure, that I'm blogging this instead of making a phone call or something like that, and getting it handled, but I seem to be eons braver when I'm not absolutely positive of who's hearing me out. It's my simple way of getting it out of my system, and not worrying about stressing anyone else out directly. I hate knowing that someone is worried about me, or is having anxiety because of me, so the internet somehow feels like a part of me, that isn't quite part of me.
Without too much detail on the matter, I've been extremely stressed about a "current" relationship. I put current in quotes because it's not really a relationship, but it is. It's such a high school type of thing and it almost embarrasses me to admit. I've been dating a girl. She's magnificent to say the least; understanding, very much the same as me, believes a lot of the same things that I do... All the good stuff. It's really been too good to be true, and I never use that phrase; I believe everyone, including myself, deserves the best and that they can have it. We never fought, never disagreed... Hell, we even like the same music. A trip to visit her family for a week turned into a few weeks, to however long, and now it's been almost two months. I've kept myself content with the thought that it was worth it. It may get tough, we may drift, but it's worth the wait. Well, some events took place that, in all honesty, hurt me very deeply. I'm still feeling it just as much as the day I found out. The thing about me, is I'm a very forgiving person. I'm good at letting things roll off my back, I believe very deeply in second chances. A good friend put it best when she said I, "see the best in people." That's where the conflict occurs. I want to forgive and get the incident in the past, but I'm a child of culture. The things that happened are things that I've been programmed to believe are unforgivable, and I should only expect more of the same. I don't want to let myself be walked on, but I want to forgive so bad. I just can't see how to take it other than a complete disregard for our relationship, and worst of all me. Did she ever care? If so, than I can't see how it could have happened.
If I continue explaining this, I'll be up all night, but I think the message has been gotten.
To add to the confusion there, an old interest of mine has lately become a very prominent part of my life. And not being tied down just makes me wonder, "what if?" which leads to other thoughts and feelings as I'm sure everyone knows.
I can't find a job. I know I'm not alone in this, but it's still incredibly taxing. I have no money to spend other that the change I find lying around. No car, which really isn't so bad in SLC but being here in STG is really reminding me of a past I fight every day not to remember... Don't get me wrong, I love being here and seeing people, but I'm realizing why I wanted to leave so bad in the first place. I don't really have a place to sleep. Of course I have people that would never allow me to sleep on the street, but everyone needs a place they don't feel like they're making someone else's life uncomfortable. Which is another thing that is bothersome. I've always felt like I'm forcing people to walk on eggshells while I'm around. Even if I know that I'm not, I can't stop my mind from thinking like that. It's probably unhealthy.
I'm really trying to find my way in this world, and I'm learning it isn't easy to do it alone. Only problem with that is nobody can really avoid going it alone. Sometimes you just have to do things for yourself, but I'm so grateful that I have good friends and a loving family that I know I can turn to when things are a bit too heavy to carry. That has taught me a great deal as well. I never let someone be alone. Even if I don't quite agree with them, I realize, maybe more than most, that everyone needs a friend, and I'll jump up and down in celebration if someone simply turns to me for help.
No matter how high above ten my stress-level is, I know, if I die tonight, at least I'll die happy. Because I know I'm not alone in this world, and I know I'm doing the best that I can do.
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